Diplomatic Dilettante Gifts

'We'll be planning to invade Ecuador as soon as I can find it on the map.'

You're telling me not to choose sides between Google and Apple. Precisely. Computer Villa. Stay neutral. Continue to support both companies. Emotionally. Right. By buying as much as you can from both companies. Doesn't that only benefit you? Heretic. Absolve yourself by upgrading your phone! Computer Villa.

"Well - I've either bought a pack of table napkins, or adopted a Siberian tiger cub..."

'What we need is a decision, not more foot-dragging.'

"...I try to communicate with Desmond, but all he ever does is grunt."

'Shouldn't we be doing this online?'

"You've called tech-support so often that it was decided that it's more practical if I just come and live with you."

Can you mumble, mumble mumble? You're mumbling. What are you saying? I'm asking for your mumble, mumble. You're asking for my help? I can't get the word out. Can I get a little mumble? Mumble.

"Go ahead. Click on 'I Am Not A Robot.' I dare you."

'You know me, I'm a problem solver. I listen. I flirt with understanding. I move on.'

The Internet - Now available in bookstores

"You told me to make a desktop shortcut, so I did. Just take the shortcut I made through the mess."

"How much do I need? How much you got?"

Turn around at the next junction, turn around now! Turn around immediately - you've forgotten your handbags!

'I'm trying to figure out online shopping. I've found some pants I like, but I can't find a fitting room.'

"It's called a mobile... but I've been here an hour and have yet to see it move."

'Since we modified your daughter's digital cellular structure, she's experienced a lot of ringing in her ears. If you need me to check her status, I'll be on call.'

"Lost all track fo time with you. 93 unread messages!"

'Should I buy or sell?'

'We've considered every potential risk except the risks of avoiding all risks.'

They used a scientific method to decide which new product idea to pursue.

"I'd text you, but I haven't learnt to spell yet."

"You know who's a big pain in the a*s? Europe."

"The job stress was already bad enough, but now I have to choose between 56 flavors of coffee."

I'm beginning to realize you can't cram 10 gigabytes of information into a one-gigabyte brain.

One Way/Two Ways.

'Excuse me - Which way is Southwestern North Carolina?'

Teddy Roosevelt Institute. "Walk softly and carry a big stick." Charm school. Harm school.

"To succeed you need luck and pluck. That is, luck in finding someone to pluck."

"How could I flunk? All my answers came straight from Siri."

'You don't do faith healing do you?'

"You are headed south. Your destination is straight ahead."

'He has trouble choosing what he wants.'

"I wrote a wonderful eulogy... unfortunately my computer crashed and I lost it."

"What's my password? Oh yeah... 'OnCe upona thimeh.'"