Dinnertime Guru T-Shirts

"Can I nuke something for you?"

Come dine with me!

Counting ribs

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"Will you have a Sphinx?"

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

"It was wonderful, Henri. Arnold had died and gone to heaven."

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

'This is the fun part...waiting to find out just what we've ordered.

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!

"I think foie gras is French for endless buffet."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

An experimentalist alarms his guests by describing the appearance of the mushrooms in a dish they have just eaten.

"How's the salmon?"

60 minute wait for a table, 15 minute wait for a server, 40 minutes for teh appetizers...

"Who ordered the moose en croute?"

"I'm unable to process this image."

"Carpe pizza"

Happy hour.

In-House Entertainment Consists Of Man Riding Pizza Cutter Cutting Giant Pizza While Making a Pizza

'Maybe we shouldn't show how sausage and foie gras are made on the same day.'

"First you make a roux."

"This is a big wine. I recommend you order some big food."

'Are you sure you don't have any Indian blood?.'

"I want to set the world record for eating the most empanadas ever!"

'Our menu is divided into three sections: Cancer causing foods, artery clogging foods, and foods that are being boycotted for political or environmental reasons.'

"Ah! dehydrogenated non-milk fat solids with a soupcon of deoxyhydropesane and sweetners...just like mum used to make."

'Ah, Garbanzo, truly you are a noble bean.'

The First Roast Chicken.

"Uh, yeah, that looks a little too organic."

'Have you been using that Hairy Bikers cookbook again'

"How do I know if it's fresh?... You asked for 'the soup of the day'. You didn't specify what day."