Dinner Lady Gifts

'He says he doesn't give a toss about Jamie Oliver but, if you can get Kylie Minogue to approve it, he'll eat it.'

'Do you have eczema?' 'No, only what's on the menu.'

'Soup of the day.' 'Cream of Monday.'

Cut out and keep your own Cleaner.

'Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.' Fly fisherman.

'He's very fussy about his food.'

'Great crisps.' 'Yes, they're old cornflakes and salt.'

'He's changed his mind, how do you unscramble eggs?.'

'Someone's been tampering with this chicken.' 'It tastes like chicken.'

'We have no children, me being a school dinner lady and Fred driving the school bus.'

'On the menu, everything looks so awful.'

'There's a worm on my plate.' 'That's a sausage.'

'Roast chicken £4.' 'Pensioners £3.'

'There are millions of people you would be grateful for that food.' 'Name one.'

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding the stomach pump?'

'White beetroot?' 'I bleached them.'

'Stand by, we have temporary loss of your roast.'

'What's for lunch...Vegetables?'

'Mutter mutter...I was talking to my broccoli.'

'Red Indian blood.' 'Smoke signals.' Food burning.

'Dribbling or non dribbling?'

'Don't put knife in your mouth.' 'My forks leaks.'

'Biscuit?' 'Leave it in the in-tray for the morning.'

'I don't eat red meat.' 'This is green.'

I've changed my mind about the soup of the month.

Catering for a large family.

'Your tea is getting cold.'

'Beef £2Curried beef £1.50.'

'Possum Helper' added to food.

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

'Freezer is on the blink.'

'I'm thirsty.' 'Water?' 'I'm thirsty, not dirty.'

'Yechh, this tastes fishy.' 'It's fish.'

"The pastry is soggy and your filling leaves a bitter aftertaste."

'You're pushing food round your plate.' 'No, it's moving on its own.'