Dining Out With Family Gifts

"Don't yell in the restaurant. Use your texting voice."

"M'lady, we’ve reached peak Brooklyn."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

A woman standing beside a stove full of steaming pots and pans.

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

'A cheeky red?'

"You do like octopus?"

Life with a professional baseball catcher.

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

T"ruly, Susan, I envy no man."

'Before I order breakfast, which way is it to the 'International Bathroom of Pancakes'?'

"I'm not weird I'm a 'person of weirdness'."

Chez Nous Menu

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Special: Scrabbled Eggs. No, sir, it's not a misprint -- Ernie adds alphabet soup.

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

"Who ordered the double chocolate parfait with a cherry on top?"

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

'We have a beautiful relationship. Why spoil it with a hug?'

"Rump roast?"

'Sorry, but we're going out for dinner.'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

Today's special... donuts.

"They haven't said two words to each other—it's sad... I hope we don't end up like that." "They keep talking to each other—it's exhausting... So glad we don't have to do that."

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Vindaloo hot enough?"

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

'I'm worried about him, he eats his vegetables, but not his dessert!'

"...But ASIDE from that, how was your trip to France?"

"Pizza sounds wonderful. Italian, Greek or Hipster?"