Dining Out Joker Pillows

'Your table will be ready shortly.'

"I recommend the salad, fatty"

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

"How fresh is the calamari?"

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

'Would you care for some fresh pepper? Well too bad, because all we have is these dried up old peppercorns.'

"Eat more pizza and doughnuts and stop exercising. Just kidding, you should see your face!"

"Your dinner's on the table and yours is under the table."

'Yes, chocolate moose.'

"What, exactly, did you say to the maître d'?"

"You're right. The sunscreen does taste like ranch dressing."

I'll try the cod surprise.

"The chef will accommodate gluten-free requests, but only with a note from your doctor."

'Since when does Shamrocks give you an itchy rash?'

'Make it four beers and an '02 Brunello di Montalcino, if you've got it, for you-know-who.'

'I'll have the diet special followed by a triple helping of chocolate sponge cake.'

"Just keep your eyes closed - it'll only upset you."

"An apple? Doesn't he have any pizza?"

"You can eat all the cake you want and still get into heaven."

'It's her signature dish.'

"Pecan pie with rum-raisin ice cream is the best revenge."

Jim's Smart Kettle

"Do you have a dollar menu?"

Chocolate Munchies. Only 100 calories...' awesome!' - '' - 'Runchy! Rurrgh!!' - '' - 'Oh, hold on. 100 calories per Munchie' - '' -

'Yes, I'd like the chef pan-fried, marinated in his disgusting sauce and charcoal grilled.'

Virgin Olive Oil. Not-Virgin-But-Has-A-Heart-Of-Gold Olive Oil.

"If you have one more round it's considered a main dish."

"I brought chips and cookies to snack on and baby carrots to sit unopened on the blanket."

"Okay, that's one pizza with all our toppings and one without."

Your Dinner is in the Tin

"What is this one - 'Two egg surprise'?"

Jack the Ripper.