Dining Disaster Comedian Pillows

"Not here,sir - I suggest you try the church next door."

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

"Dad's dinner really is melt-in-your-mouth...it's half frozen!"

"Do you want ketchup on your steak too?"

"Don't panic, she'll be back. We lock the washroom windows from the outside."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

"The scallops were delicious, but the fork was dismal!"

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

"The dinner date was a disaster! I realised he was still a "Mama's Boy" when I saw he was expecting me to regurgitate his food..."

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

"Of course it tastes like chicken. That's why it's called the 'tuna surprise'."

"You folks like a little something?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"I hope you like smoked salmon."

'Andy STILL hasn't got the hang of spaghetti..'

'Please stand by. We have temporary loss of your roast.'

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

'Well, lucky you! The chef informs me that his breakfast special today is blackened scrambled eggs!'

Today's special - Ox tail soup.

'Freezer is on the blink.'