Culinary Catastrophe Comedian Pillows

'No, we can't pass it off as 'blackened' goulash!'

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

Lady using paint roller as rolling pin for baking dough.

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"States of tofu"

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'Your French dip, sir.'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

"You're turn to grill tonight Adam, you make the best ribs."

Chez Nous Menu

6 Brothers Falafel

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

Peter's Pitas - now with pickled peppers.

"Would you like some wings?"

Cookbooks

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"Ninja bread men"

Wok. Don't Wok.

"Tia Carmen, is it okay if my study group meets here tomorrow?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Now that's what I call a kebab... a skewer with whole pies!'

"Beanirrito"

"'TSP' stands for 'teaspoon' not 'two solid pounds'!"

"Two vegans, please."

Honest Vending

"This is our soft opening."

"Is the MSG local?"