Dining Decorum Pillows

"Care to support the caterers courtesy campaign?" "Do you mind I'm trying to eat!"

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Great coffee, Carole."

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'

"I hope he's wearing pants."

"The last doggy bag."

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"Guys, remember, no feeding frenzy: Leave some for Grandpa to chew on..."

"What a slobster."

"Wait. Let it breathe."

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

I'll have a hamburger.

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"They're slowly adapting to the open-office concept."

"Once again, Dave blew the date when his instincts got the better of his etiquette."

"For the last time Helen, I'm on a murderous rampage. I'm not going to chew with my mouth closed."

"Why, yes, I am 'still working on that.' You know what I'm not working on? Your gratuity!"

'Carlton! How many times have we told you not to scarf your food!?'

"As I told you before, I do not allow smoking in my restaurant..."

Break Bread, Not Wind.

'Smoking section, please.'

'I told you never to Facebook, Bebo, Hotmail, Yahoo, MSN or phone me at work...'