Digital Sermonizer Pillows

'The reading is from my brand new mobile phone.'

"If we could all turn to page 387, turn off your iPods and repeat after me?"

Computerized society.

'...and we used to grumble about not understanding archaic church language!'

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

"Virtual Reality glasses. Well, I said my sermon would let them see the real difference between Heaven and Hell this morning"

'We beseech thee oh Lord, tweet us they word.'

'...And remember, tune in next week at this same time for the exciting conclusion of 'David and Bathsheba.'!'

"And the weird shall inherit the Earth, for their ways are difficult for A.I. algorithms to figure out."

'I understand there have been complaints that his sermons weren't getting through to the teenagers.'

'What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his internet provider?'

Matins 10 AM Open Pulpit

"He didn't mean on Twitter."

'Today's sermon may seem a little incoherent -- my 'Preach-o-Mat' program crashed.'

"I'm a pastor. My job is to speak 20 minutes on Sunday and listen the rest of the week."

"OMG! 12 followers already...this thing could go viral."

"And the meek, aided by social media pester power, shall inherit the world."

Palm Top Readings

"@FBarnes12 favorited a prophecy you were mentioned in."

Bishop looking at 'friends annointed' website.

'I can remember when you only had to worry about delivering good sermons.'

"I accept the cookies I cannot change."

"We had 17 first time viewers on the live stream sermon today." (pastor talking to his wife)

"My koan is to comprehend the sound of one hand clapping."

"I'm the owner of Happy Pappy's comedy club. Here's my card. Call me."

'It will be nice to have the words of my sermon there but it could be distracting to run football scores ... '

"I'm going on a retreat."

St. Paul's Church: Today's sermon - 'What is hell?' (underneath says 'come hear our choir).

'Maybe you could find a sermon idea in HERE.'

First Church of Fiscal Morality: The Meek Shall Inherit The National Debt!

"And now a reading from the catalogs of Saint Paul."

'New Charismatic'

'Oh my gosh, this is terrific! I just tuned in satellite radio.'

'In the future I see much spam and many people with a blog.'

"For the convenience of our absent members, our ushers will be calling at your homes with their collection plates."