Digital Professional Pillows

"Oh, I'm okay. This is just my resting zoom face."

Trial by Media

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

"Well, how do things look from where you sit?"

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

'You don't have to explain the software to me. I wrote it while I was in the womb.'

Gay Times...

If nobody had invented graphics

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

'The definition of OBSOLETE: old fashioned dictionaries.'

"COUGH! COUGH! Years of data mining have left me with data lung. Don't be like your old man - go into modeling or visualization!"

Presidential Pooch Meets The Press

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

The President Elect approved by 3 out of 4 talk show hosts!

"Since you have already been convicted by the media, I imagine we can wrap this up pretty quickly."

Computer Hitching a Ride to Silicon Valley

"Was that my pager or yours?"

Local News in Heaven

'...and this time Gerald, don't refer to the RBS as the Ripoff Bonus Scheme!'

Coming up: Bush and Kerry will debate on 'saturday night live'...and whoever gets the most laughs will be the winner.'

Reporter #6: television.

Talk shows are great. Listen shows are even better.

The Freedom of the Press is Worth Fighting For!

"Wow. . . is that you, Mr Erdogan. . . Mr Kim Jong-un. . . Mr Putin. . . Mr Maduro. . . Mr. Bin-Salman. . . Mr al-Assad. . ."

"Daddy is off to work in a data mine."

"Mommy, watch, I'm living authentically!"

'We no longer look at résumés. We go straight to your Facebook page.'

"Ya, right. Who needs a web presence. I'll just compete in the global economy from here."

'That's correct Shaun. The government is comprised of 5 branches...the executive, legislative, judicial, lobbyist and media.'

"His first word was 'Dotcom'."

'It's my own fault. I never upgraded my skills. I was replaced by a man half my age with a more advanced smartphone and hundreds of productive apps.'