Digital Diagnosis Skeptic Gifts

"According to this website my symptoms show that I'm dead!"

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

Rare Books

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

Library door sign says, 'We have encyclopedias ... the original Facebook!'

'Never trust emails. You can't shred them.'

"..Your analysis and medication would be perfect if you were a goat."

"Turn on the news." "I will not comply." "My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you will grow depressed after the lead story." "There is a 95% probability you will then gorge yourself on rocky road ice cream and then stay up all night googling elliptical machines and diet pills." "Who told you this?" "Both your refrigerator and your browser are gossipy."

Quadruple dark hot chocolate. Whoa, everything all right? Sure, yeah, great. I'm a journalist and writer in an era in which the printed word has been totally devalued by free distribution of information on the internet. Can I pay in prose? Point taken.

The other digital divide.

Kevin had a computer virus.

'Read ALL about IT! While we're STILL in Circulation!'

'Having all this information on my patient's diagnostics is great, but I think I need a degree in data analytics to sort it all out...'

The benefit of an old-fashioned newspaper.

Books On Paper

'No, I'm not writing to Santa, I'm writing a blog questioning the validity of Santa, since he has no web presence.'

'I'm sorry, but it's suffering from a terminal disease.'

'Don't worry! If your self diagnosis turns out to be correct this time, this will take care of it.'

Doctor, I can't feel my legs! I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms.

'This app that recommends what I read next works, but it's insulting. It referred me to a gas station restroom wall.'

"I'd say it's a fungal infection."

"Son, I’d say the ACL tear is the least of your problems."

"If we're doing such a good job of keeping the devil away, how come we have so many of these infernal machines around here?"

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

'That's funny - the computer said we had mail..'

"Interesting diagnosis. Now let's ask Google for a second opinion, shall we?"

'Sure, you can communicate with him. He's also hooked up to the Internet.'

"Well, if you can't trust software upgrades, who can you trust?"

"I'm referring you to a doctor with different software."

'Darling you'll be so proud of me, I've just written my first email. Now I must rush to get it in the post.'

Mousetrap has captured the wrong type of mouse.

"Trust your instinct son, not the rubbish spewed on Social Media..."

'I've conducted a meta analysis of the myriad of tests we've run and I think I can say with a certain level of certainty that you are probably screwed...'

'Well you can tell Dr. Zimler that you don't have Dalnik's syndrome, and, in fact, I think you have Zimler's syndrome.'

'Doctor, I just can't seem to relate to my computer equipment these days.'