Digestive Humorist Gifts

Recipe: Personal Peanut Butter

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

Honest Vending

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'Lets all thank Martha for her very innovative 'Hot Dog Crepes'.'

'The customer is always right...'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

'In case of emergency, break glass.'

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

Calm down...this is for your own good.

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work. I overslept.'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'No, I don't have a favorite. Dung is dung.'

'A Dust Cow'.

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

Man to wife about book: 'Honey, I think the novel wants out.'

"I feel like I can't trust myself around food."

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

The mushroom pickers