Digestive Humorist Pillows

Recipe: Personal Peanut Butter

Break Bread, Not Wind.

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

Honest Vending

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

World Cup Fever

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'Lets all thank Martha for her very innovative 'Hot Dog Crepes'.'

'The customer is always right...'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

Supermarket Warehouse. At night, with just security here, the products sing classic karaoke. The orange juice is belting Elvis'"All Shook Up." Peanut butter and jelly performed a duet of "Love Will Keep Us Together." children's breakfast cereal sang "Sugar, Sugar." And sriracha sauce did a rendition of "Great Balls of Fire"! What song will the ground beef choose? Jimmy Buffett's "Cheeseburger in Paradise," of course!

What makes the flies in your soup "artisanal"? I know, right? Personally, I think it's just a lot of hype perpetrated by the flies. Menu.

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

'In case of emergency, break glass.'

I grew up vegetarian. Wow. That takes work to stay strong. What motivates you? Hey, lettuce brain! Peer pressure.

Calm down...this is for your own good.

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

Haute Cuisine Meets Low Couture

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work. I overslept.'

There's a strange mist over my food. You never heard of pea soup fog?

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

"I feel like I can't trust myself around food."

'No, I don't have a favorite. Dung is dung.'

'A Dust Cow'.

The mushroom pickers

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'