Dietitian's Nightmare Gifts

"I follow the paleo diet. Anything you can choke down."

"Better bring me another cookie. The last one fell in the water."

'Now that I've lost weight, I can't afford new clothes in my size.'

Chez Nous Menu

'The dietician told him to increase his roughage!'

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

"Winter is coming, and there will be months without much sunshine, so it's important that you take your vitamin D supplement Darling..."

'Congratulations on your 100% plant-based diet. I'm referring you to a botanist.'

'All those vegetables Mom's been feeding me finally paid off. I'm a squash.'

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

'The doctor said oily fish was good for his brain development.'

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

Dr. Saltine, pioneer of salt transplants.

'Yes, the treestand's maximum weight capacity is 300 pounds, you weigh 301 pounds.'

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

'I realize it's not on the menu but I'm on a diet and I'd like an air fern salad.'

'We've only got a couple of days to finish this box of cereal. Mom'll never let us eat something called energy-packed after school's out.'

'They say you have to drink 4 times as much merlot as pinot noir to get the same level of anti-oxidants. Isn't that just too, too bad?'

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

"I don't care if it's plant-based, you're creeping everyone out."

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

'Ahh...now there's a man who understands women.'

'Remember to eat your 500,000 a day son!'

'Thank you waiter - my wife's the rabbit.'

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

'Dad, you know that I'd never buy a pet that eats meat. Luckily, I found a guy who sold me the World's only vegetarian dog!'

'I'm taking you off that banana diet, Mrs Smith!'

"They're healthy? All this time, Mom said carrots and raisins were nature's candy!"

The Boxing Glove Diet was working for Bertram.

North Fork, the town too tough to diet.

'All tests point to the same conclusion: it is indeed a big banana.'

'Pumpkin pie isn't dessert. It's another vegetable.'

'Good. Then there's no reason to stay on this diet any longer.'

"Cut down on the custard pies."