Dieting Guru Pillows

'I'm on three different diets. That way I get to eat more.'

"That Wu-Long tea diet is starting to look better every day."

'It's more a six barrel than a six pack!'

'Four thousand packets of the new anti-obesity drug, please'

"I'll have two lettuce filled, three carrot glazed, five celery frosted. . ."

'It's the thin person inside you, screaming to get out - I'm afraid he's not alone.'

'Walter, I warned you about all that angel hair pasta and pie in the sky.'

'Dad, why is it that this man doesn't need a string to hold him down on the ground?'

"I'm taking you off calories."

Large woman asking how a homeless man has managed not to eat

'It's the thin person inside you, screaming to get out - I'm afraid he's not alone.

Counting ribs

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"Will you have a Sphinx?"

"Today we'll be performing some much needed maintenance on Miss Trimbles weak pelvic floor."

"My online account predicts the things I should own, then buys them with my credit card. It�s very convenient, but I do now need to move to a larger house."

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

Yoga Xmas Decorations

"At first glance this diet might seem boring but then you realize there are actually seven varieties of kale!"

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

Institute of Health next to Alternative medicine dept

"It was wonderful, Henri. Arnold had died and gone to heaven."

Now that you have a heart, you really should switch to polyunsaturated oil.

'This is the fun part...waiting to find out just what we've ordered.

The new diet not working out too good, huh, Frank?

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"How's the salmon?"

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"I think foie gras is French for endless buffet."

An experimentalist alarms his guests by describing the appearance of the mushrooms in a dish they have just eaten.

Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!