Diet Guru Pillows

"The doctor said I need more calcium, so I'm switching from dark to milk chocolate."

"I put an app on your phone that punches you in the face every time you eat junk food. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind."

Trying to help Bud diet, his wife became expert at hiding the peanuts.

New Frig Reg: 'Warning! The Surgeon General has determined that SNACKING maybe hazardous to your health.'

...either you've found world's best diet or world's worst investment consultant...

'Go on - they're organic!'

"It's the worse case of flatulence I've ever witnessed!"

'The thin person inside you seems to have developed a serious case of claustrophobia.'

It may help as part of your weight loss campaign...but it's a little extreme.

'Your bypass operation will be self administered. Pass by every other meal.'

'Stop, I'm riddled with saturated fat: Shouldn't you try to eat healthily?'

"I don't know why I put weight on, I hardly eat enough to keep a sparrow alive."

"So, what's your nutritional information?"

Counting ribs

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"Will you have a Sphinx?"

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"Today we'll be performing some much needed maintenance on Miss Trimbles weak pelvic floor."

"My online account predicts the things I should own, then buys them with my credit card. It�s very convenient, but I do now need to move to a larger house."

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

Yoga Xmas Decorations

"At first glance this diet might seem boring but then you realize there are actually seven varieties of kale!"

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

Now that you have a heart, you really should switch to polyunsaturated oil.

Institute of Health next to Alternative medicine dept

"It was wonderful, Henri. Arnold had died and gone to heaven."

'This is the fun part...waiting to find out just what we've ordered.

"How's the salmon?"

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"I think foie gras is French for endless buffet."

Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!

'Swimming is the healthiest sport. . . Because it's the only one where you can't smoke while you're doing it.'