Dietician For Critters Gifts

'Sherman, I think you're overfeeding your sea monkey!'

"Better bring me another cookie. The last one fell in the water."

'Now that I've lost weight, I can't afford new clothes in my size.'

'The dietician told him to increase his roughage!'

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Winter is coming, and there will be months without much sunshine, so it's important that you take your vitamin D supplement Darling..."

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

'Congratulations on your 100% plant-based diet. I'm referring you to a botanist.'

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

'All those vegetables Mom's been feeding me finally paid off. I'm a squash.'

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'The doctor said oily fish was good for his brain development.'

'They took my Science Fair Award away. They said I ate too much fish, which is brainfood. So, it was like I was on mental steroids.'

'I'm looking forward to parents' night. I'm going to ask these people their diet secrets.'

'Yes, the treestand's maximum weight capacity is 300 pounds, you weigh 301 pounds.'

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

"Odd, since neither of us overfeeds her by even the smallest amount."

'I realize it's not on the menu but I'm on a diet and I'd like an air fern salad.'

'They say you have to drink 4 times as much merlot as pinot noir to get the same level of anti-oxidants. Isn't that just too, too bad?'

'We've only got a couple of days to finish this box of cereal. Mom'll never let us eat something called energy-packed after school's out.'

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

'My owner is feeding me way too much organic food.'

"I don't care if it's plant-based, you're creeping everyone out."

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

'Ahh...now there's a man who understands women.'

"That's it - your diet starts tomorrow"

North Fork, the town too tough to diet.

The Boxing Glove Diet was working for Bertram.

'Thank you waiter - my wife's the rabbit.'

'I'm taking you off that banana diet, Mrs Smith!'

'Dad, you know that I'd never buy a pet that eats meat. Luckily, I found a guy who sold me the World's only vegetarian dog!'

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

'Remember to eat your 500,000 a day son!'