Dietary Needs Detective Gifts

'I used to have milk in my tea. . .but then one day I had black tea and somebody tole me that 'once you've had black, you never go back.' I don't know why you never go back, but it turned out I'm lactose intolerant, so it's a moot point now. I guess.'

"Good For You / Bad For You"

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

'Like death by salad.'

'The dietician told him to increase his roughage!'

Good Cop/Bad Cholesterol

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

'Nothing impacts my lifestyle choices more than a veterinarian with a scale.'

Secretive Weigh In.

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

"That's it young man. . . No more energy drinks for you!"

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

"At first glance this diet might seem boring but then you realize there are actually seven varieties of kale!"

Critisize your weight.

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

'Waiter, there's a Fly-Agaric in my soup.'

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

'This towel is wet so I'll subtract fourteen pounds.'

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

'Dorothy - we're not in the health food section anymore.'

'Ugh, I hate food with preservatives.'

'Diet considerations.'

Woman Weighing Herself on Two Scales.

'Let me at it! Let me see!!'

"If He didn't want us to eat it, why'd He wrap the whole thing in bacon?"

"I'm not sure what's causing your stomachache. But I think it's safe to rule out hunger pains."

'This is gluten free, isn't it?'

'I'm putting you on a 'whatever tastes good, don't eat it' diet.'

Diets: Sweets and Biscuits.

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."