Dietary Change Consultant Gifts

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

"Can Johnny come out and eat?"

'Look, I know it's artificial orange, but you're sick, I say, sick.'

"It's completely normal for someone your age to develop a taste for butterscotch."

"No offense, but the manna needs salt."

'What kind of quack is he? No pills, no special diets! He just believes in will power!'

'I'm sick of fast food. I mean, look at the legs on that thing.'

"First, finish that genetically modified asparagus. Then you can have ice cream full of bovine growth hormone."

"Eating less and exercising more. . . It's the only thing that works but how can we monetise it?"

'I know why Max has suddenly turned vegetarian: His new girlfriend is a Fruit-Bat...'

'I haven't read the health columns this morning. Is coffee out or in today?'

Birthday Cakes for Dieters...

'If you're not sure of the name of a client then check it on the system, don't just shout 'Hey Fatso'.'

'Dude, I think you should cut back on the Gummi worms.'

'I've got three jobs and it works great! As a diet consultant, I help people who got fat from too much pizza and as a mechanic, I repair the cars I wrecked on my pizza delivery tours.'

Many schools are going away with the traditional junk food vending machines.

Woman visits a dietitian and comes out a skeleton.

'Ew! It's got FAT on it.'

'And ask the chef to run his blender as he cooks that steak. My doctor has put me on a liquid diet.'

"I do want to be healthy but not so healthy that I miss out on my unhealthy eating habits."

Center for diet research

'Don't make me come up there!'

Woman chaining herself to refrigerator so heavy man cannot open it.

And what would you recommend for a lapsed vegan?

"And here we have the 'economy' liposuction option!"

Caution - hazardous waist.

'Do you have to be so darn specific?'

"I'm sorry, Bob. I decided to go gluten free."

'With my diet program, you can start losing weight right now - give me all your money!'