Devilishly Funny Reader Gifts

"Fallen angel" - A memoir: signing today

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

"Any references?"

'Remember that outfit, Miss Wilson, that you said you wouldn't be seen dead wearing?'

"It only made sense for us to finally merge."

Going Down?

'I today's market news, Greed roared back.'

Exit. I never get tired of watching them fall for that.

"Show me a man who's optimistic about the human race..."

'The problem is you're a perfectionist. You don't always have to be totally evil. Sometimes it's OK to just be annoying.'

"I'm enjoying law school but I don't want to be known as the attorney from hell."

Hellbillies.

Bat out of Hell

'Be careful. The plate is hot!'

"Okay, come at me in a conga line."

"I don't wanna 'adult' today."

'You have the right to refuse the body scanner, but then I'll have to pat you down.'

Gas Bill

'Sir, we're just not reaching them. Only a small percentage of people own vinyl records, and hardly anyone thinks to play them backwards.'

Heaven and Hell

Publish and Be Damned

'Please feel free to take me out of context.'

'You were supposed to place it in a cool spot, sir.'

The Neighbours from Hell....

A Heated Argument

'Mum said I take after your side of the family, Dad!'

'I've been married to your sister for 9 years, so why should I be scared of you?'

The lessor of two evils.

"Cultural diversity is all very well, but our immigration officers don't have to put up with their bloody harp picking 24 hours a day!"

"We sell beer, but it's non-alcoholic."

'Okay, buddy, where's the fire?'

"It's talk like a pirate day."

'This is why I had to pad my resume.'

'Of course you've got a grumbling wife who is an organized labour and who works for the SEC. Where do you think you are, man?'

"As you can see, this front will continue for quite some time."