Devilishly Funny Ordinance Lover Gifts

"You got another letter from the neighborhood association..."

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

"Look! No hands!"

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

Barristers

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'Of course I stretched first. That's how I hurt myself.'

Gardening Calendar: January - The Snow will be deep now...get out into the garden...

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

The Hammer

"You are still here."

Public footpath on a desert island.

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

Anti-inflammation recipes

Safety Barriers

'Where Are They Now?'

"Recess is over, Your Honor."

"We're in luck, not a word about retrospectivity."

'Furthermore, had a handrail been fitted to the wall , my client would not be sitting here now.'

'You're a good man, Henderson, but you don't have your staff's respect.'

'Ignorance of the law is no excuse, dummy!'

"I'll have dessert first."

'I didn't know it was a one-trip salad bar!'

'We want more police on our streets!' 'WHAT?! Do you have any idea how dangerous it is out there?'

Help! Send fishing tackle!

"Fit the reality to our statistics!"

Viking in the dock: His barrister says: 'Your honour, my client was simply expanding his business interests. We object to the use of the word 'pillaging'.'

"Objections overruled...I also think the defendent looks extremly dodgy"

"I was thinking of joining a parenting class."

New anti-obesity cookbook.

Healthy Eating Casualties

'Vice squad - you're busted.'