Deodorant Dilettante Pillows

I told you not to use horse liniment as an underarm deoderant...

'Doctor, I don't want to eat mouseburgers, I want to be normal like everybody else.'

Garlic Free Zone.

Tell me about it--last night I ate a whole sleeve of Communion wafers.

'We're not at home, Stu. You can't just order 'I don't care'.'

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

'House wine?'

Macho Vegetarian

"I asked a designer to come in and give the office a needed pick-me-up...probably should have been a little more specific."

Mrs. H.G.Wells.

"Are you sure? It doesn't look like a diet pill!"

"How much do I need? How much you got?"

The Salvador Deli

'No booze, no red meat, easy on the carbs...I've given up living so I can live longer.'

'My diet allows me only one muffin a day!'

A "half-life" is the time it takes for a quantity of a radioactive material to be cut in half by decay. In each successive half-life period, the quantity is halved again. Half-life length varies widely form element to element. Eating healthier is a common new year's resolution. Our data shows breaking this resolution follows a curve like those seen with nuclear decay. As of yesterday about ten percent of those who made the resolution this year are still sticking to it. We calculated the re

'I'm sorry sir, we have 'diet cola' and 'diet lemonade', but not 'diet blood'.'

"Tell me again how well your low sodium diet is going."

"Oh come on!... How can I only have lost two ounces?!"

'Okay, okay. On second thought, maybe going on a diet isn't necessary.'

"Would you prefer sparkling water, filtered water, tap water or water?"

"Lay off the junk food, your pancreas is rusty"

"My husband is ambidextrous....completely useless with either hand!"

M.D. Robotics. Oil. Stop downloading so many cookies.

"Column A are things they said would kill you ten years ago but are now considered totally good for you. Column B are things they currently think will kill you."

'Honey, I put 500.000,- into chocolate manufacturer stocks and now the share price went down... would you please stop your diet?'

'Put an olive in it please. My doctor says I need more greens and less alchohol.'

"'Scuse me, Officer, but where do the elite meet to eat around here?"

The singles bar...

"How many calories do you think we burn by pressing these buttons each day?"

"I don't care what his name was. When I said I needed a Philips head, I meant a screwdriver you idiot!"

"I dunno. It just doesn't "feel" like a diaper."

Sandwiches. My doctor says I'll never lose weight unless I give up these grilled sandwiches. In for a Panini, in for a pound!

'I sure hope this 'timeout' thing is just a phase with Mom.'

"This fat free meal is also taste free!"