Deodorant Dilettante Pillows

I told you not to use horse liniment as an underarm deoderant...

Garlic Free Zone.

'Doctor, I don't want to eat mouseburgers, I want to be normal like everybody else.'

Tell me about it--last night I ate a whole sleeve of Communion wafers.

'We're not at home, Stu. You can't just order 'I don't care'.'

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

'House wine?'

Macho Vegetarian

"I asked a designer to come in and give the office a needed pick-me-up...probably should have been a little more specific."

"How much do I need? How much you got?"

"Are you sure? It doesn't look like a diet pill!"

The Salvador Deli

'My diet allows me only one muffin a day!'

'No booze, no red meat, easy on the carbs...I've given up living so I can live longer.'

"Oh come on!... How can I only have lost two ounces?!"

'Okay, okay. On second thought, maybe going on a diet isn't necessary.'

"Tell me again how well your low sodium diet is going."

'I'm sorry sir, we have 'diet cola' and 'diet lemonade', but not 'diet blood'.'

"Would you prefer sparkling water, filtered water, tap water or water?"

"Lay off the junk food, your pancreas is rusty"

"My husband is ambidextrous....completely useless with either hand!"

The singles bar...

"Column A are things they said would kill you ten years ago but are now considered totally good for you. Column B are things they currently think will kill you."

"'Scuse me, Officer, but where do the elite meet to eat around here?"

'Honey, I put 500.000,- into chocolate manufacturer stocks and now the share price went down... would you please stop your diet?'

'Put an olive in it please. My doctor says I need more greens and less alchohol.'

"How many calories do you think we burn by pressing these buttons each day?"

"I dunno. It just doesn't "feel" like a diaper."

Prisoner to other: 'But what I actually ended up doing was consolidating all my debts into one ten-year sentence.'

"This fat free meal is also taste free!"

"Why is living my best life so fattening?"