Defensive Decorator Pillows

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

Painting by the numbers for adults

Adhesive Tiles: Do Not Open from this End.

Politicians' basements (as seen on TV)

Painting the Ceiling

"This is a clever little shop. It makes you think it would be fun to own a lamp."

'And just what makes you think I don't know what I'm doing?!!'

'Frankly, I think watching paint dry has been given a bad press.'

'Can I invite my friends round to watch, Mom?'

"We went for Scandinavian interiors."

School Career Choices: Celebrity chef, celebrity gardener,celebrity plumber, celebrity vet, celebrity painter & decorator. . .

"On second thought, mabe it would look better over there."

"I'm starting to think stripes."

Face Painting.

"Except for that wall socket, the whole damn thing is a trompe-l'oeil."

'The roof needs icing.'

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

"My feng-shui consultant placed Harold in the closet."

'The kids just love doing paint by numbers.'

"My pillow mania got out of control so I'm limiting myself to just one at a time."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"Who should we have at eye level this month?"

'I wanted a change in decor.'

There's a Facebook group for everyone... "Even Toilet Paper Mummies!"

"Hon, do you think the accent wall was a mistake?"

Cutaway view of house undergoing renovation

Redecorating Easter Island.

'Quick, press control Z!'

"This aquarium is such a nice prison."

A centipede's Christmas stockings

'Hello, Robinson Crusoe here, I'd like my kitchen finished by Friday.'

Pollock Painting Company

The Old Woman was thrilled to bits with her shoestring budget makeover!!

Curtains haberdashery