Defender Of Humor Pillows

You're right, judge: I don't have a legal leg to stand on. Obviously, I need to lie down in your chambers before I fall over. Why don't you look in on me in a few minutes?

Ethics exam cheater.

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

Crap from the future.

"Despite thoroughly scraping the celebrity barrel, that Orwellian nightmare Celebrity Big Brother is back on our screens again."

'What'll it be?'

"Oooh, I know what I want to be when I grow up: Retired!"

Honest Voting Stickers

"The way you look at me, Craig... you really see me."

The Monroe Doctrine

'But you're an admiral. How can you feel seasick on a waterbed?'

'Henry was an undecided voter four years ago when he entered that voting booth, and I'm still waiting for him to decide and come home.'

"Ah...summer...and umbrellas as far as you can see...it reminds me of England!"

Before disposing of useless information please make file copies.

Evil Henchman Gets a Promotion.

Think tanks.

"I should have been a lawyer. I'm great at ambulance chasing!"

Our large economy size packet hasn't been selling...it's too big to carry home.

Suggestions and Cheap Shots.

Only in America

'...and do you solemnly swear to update your facebook status to 'married'?'

"It's not so much a minivan as it is a hearse for our youth."

'For donating half my property to the poor, I'll get the 'Unselfish Millionaire of the Year' medal and a supporting receipt for my allowable expenses!'

Police Lineup Escape

Busy, Busy, Busy

'Escape?...Why?'

Dollars Press Conference

"I don't know what that is, either - it could be the Olsen twins."

'Your Majesty, the peasants are out of bread', 'Then let them eat low-carb stuff,'

Spying Smart TV

"Uncle Tod's Reviews"

Boss, customers are asking why you've doubled prices. I'm just being fair. When the cost of coffee beans go up, everyone thinks I'm justified in raising the price of coffee. But cost increases come in all shapes and sizes. What about my new 80" tv? What about my new car note? What about my manservant I just imported from London? I dream of the day when all costs can be passed on to customers equally. Greed is not a civil right issue!

"I'm resigning so I can spend more time with my wonderful family, here."

Euro Collapse

"Welcome to Alabama. Pro-life at birth; not so much after that."