Deed Poll Humorist Gifts

Changing one's name is only allowed for valid reasons.

Grim Reaper rowing a boat full of dead souls to the afterlife; a tip jar sits on the side of the boat.

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

"That's a plain burger and black coffee? But what kind of plain burger and what kind of black coffee?"

Christmas Present Wrapping Service.

"Excuse me, but it's GREG, Greg Chalmers."

End of world nigh!!!

'Happy birthday, dear... It's an executive rock.'

'Is that the trebuchet?'

"Okay, maybe we should count assembling the exercise bike as your first workout."

'Well the dog's been passively smoking our fags for the past ten years, so I think it's only fair that he has a nicotene patch too.'

!I haven't a clue what they are, but I don't like the look of them."

'Oh great...another new tie.'

'That's your limescale problem sorted.'

IRS. They are both inevitable but at least the IRS grants extensions.

"It just doesn't have the same panache."

Sexy Voting

Elect Fred O. Pittley: The Candidate of ALL the special interests.

"I meet a lot of women in my work but I'm not good at forming long-lasting relationships."

"Michael Sherlock once said: 'Religion isn't about peace, love, or the betterment of our species, it's about power and control. Religion uses fear to control and milk its flocks. Fear of God. Fear of the Devil. Fear of death. Fear of being seen as deviant for expressing non-belief. Fear of social sanctions and in some countries, fear of legal sanctions. Fear is a powerful tool to manipulate the masses and religion has mastered its employment.' ..."

'The way I see it, sobriety is a preventable, condition.'

Newspaper circulation gauge.

"Hey little buddy, let's team up and save the world...Then we'll have pizza, you ever tried pepperoni pizza?"

'...Love, honor, and obey, no questions asked?'

That's very thoughtful of you - a check for five gallons of gas.

Useless gifts for elephants.

"Before negotiations begin, we'll soften them up with 15 minutes of cute cat videos."

Does THAT satisfy your commitment to the Trade Description Act?

Man nails in a picture of boxing wearing boxing gloves.

'Jesus forgave you because he had to.'

"Grandma, take your dentures back and leave my tooth for the tooth fairy."

'So, Fathead, you gonna buy me or not?! Come on, Bozo, make up your mind!'

Ernie was sick and tired of socks and jocks every Christmas.

'As you see, it's just a stone's throw from your embassy.'

"I was hoping you had no more territorial ambitions."