Dealing With Death In The Family Gifts

"And sign here if you'd like to see his organs become more involved in community theatre."

"Why bother?"

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

"He was furiously reading the Bible before he died." "Looking for loopholes."

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

'Feel free to get a second opinion. I can give you the number to my mom.'

"Grandmom told me "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." I told her that has medical malpractice written all over it!"

Cemetery: Communicated with your loved one see Madam Zolta within.

"Although the estate will be distributed equally, your father wanted you all to know that Keith was his favorite, followed by..."

"Lately, I've begun to understand - and forgive - my parents."

"What's your question for 'Ask Sadie'?" "My mom's in a nursing home. I think someone's stealing her jewelry." "What's the matter, you're afraid someone is stealing your inheritance?" "Simple solution: Send your mother to Japan, where their entire culture reveres the elderly." "Sayonara, grandma!!!" "Are you sure that's not just a stereotype?" "Who cares?!"

'As you know, your father liked the sport of Boxing...'

'You were married to him for 40 years. He never once mentioned he was having his head cryogenically frozen?'

Lady to tombstone: 'Sam, I invested all of your money in an IPO last week ... we're millionaires!'

"As per your father's wishes, the reading of the will shall be preceded by a tight five-minute comedy set inspired by my dating life -- or lack thereof!"

"Let's talk about your overprotective mother."

'It freaks me out that you're keeping your dead mum preserved in Formalin on the mantelpiece!'

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."

"Well, at least you don't have to worry about inheritance tax."

"I could never leave this place—this is where I grew up."

Heaven.

"Your mother wanted you to have this for good luck. It's her foot."

'He put up a good fight to the end.'

"No, he didn't suffer. That's my only regret."

'It would have been easier to prove your father was of sound mind when he wrote this will if he hadn't written it on the headed notepaper of the psychiatric hospital in which he'd been sectioned.'

"It's gonna be tough trying to fill your pa's boots, Jake."

"My grandfather dies from asbestos poisoning - it took 'em 3 weeks to cremate him...."

'We've been invited to a black tie do - your mother has died, dear.'

"Grief takes many forms. But don't worry, we're here to help you fill them out."

'We just couldn't live with ourselves if we put mother in a home...'

"...And you get a complimentary t-shirt."

'Yes, thay's my late husband. I'd know his laughter anywhere.'

"No, it's my husband that's expired. Is his credit card still good?"