Dating Service Lover Pillows

Psychic Dating Hotline

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

'I should warn you about my father. He's a landscape gardener.'

"2 for 1 special: Clean, polish, buff, seal"

"That Feng Shui class I took is paying off!"

'Sorry, this isn't that kind of agency. We determine the age of old fossils, not arrange dates for them.'

'Hey...here's a hot prospect...likes catching frisbees, chasing squirrels, rolling in smelly stuff...'

Early Sexting

'You never kiss me like that.'

"It's amazing. We've just met, but I feel like we've known each other since we were kids, became high school sweethearts, got married too young, had a bunch of brats, went through a messy divorce, reconciled, remarried each other, and are now back together after all these years."

'Santa ! Bring my Baby Back!' - 'You didn't tell me she was hot!'

"I want to get rich while you're still beautiful."

"But he's no longer with us."

Online Dating

"I'm leaving you, Scott. You're too clingy."

Mister, Inc: 'Wrong...Right'

Tired of being alone, it was time to try a different approach. 'My, how frugal. I like that in a man,' she lied.

"Height has nothing to do with it, Arnie. I just can't imagine myself with a man who doesn't know the broche for hors d'euvres."

"This might be the year to start lying about your age."

'Wow - you're even prettier than your picture on 'Date'Em.com!''

'I'm sorry, sir, but affirmative action guidelines require that your first date be a Nepalese pastry cook.'

I love badminton.

'I didn't know our relationship was SUPPOSED to be going anywhere.'

"Well, I'm sort of between quests at the moment."

"An assortment of severed plant genitalia. Is there a subtext I should be aware of?"

"Unitarian. You?"

"Sure, I'll go out to dinner with you, but this time I get to choose the place."

'Can't be high-maintenance, but she must have class. Economy class.'

"And she's bringing her TWIN!!"

'Best thing I ever did was join a dating agency. Turns out my perfect partner is beer!'

"So, are you working Mr Smith?"

'They couldn't exactly get me a date, but they offered me a job as a practice dummy.'

Ballskeeper

'They couldn't exactly get me a date, but they offered me a job as a practice dummy.'

'All my friends are divorced, and I'm not even married.'