Dark Office Comedians Gifts

'First, let me confirm a rumor. The next round of cuts will go deeper than originally announced.'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

Pounding speeds up the computer.

'And were there a point to your proposal, Henderson - What would it be?'

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

'I should not that the cherry and whipped cream were an afterthought created by our graphics dept.'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'I'm glad you guys could work this out in a reasonable manner.'

'I have a plan 'B' but that's also dependent on a working projector bulb.'

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

Desk trays - 'in', 'out', and 'one of these days'.

'The lads at the office still talk about the day you told the boss what to do with his job...'

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

"I believe we've found the weakest link."

"Now that I have everyone's attention..."

'No, your guess isn't as good as mine.'

"Be patient. He'll have to visit the water cooler sooner or later."

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"The meeting will come to order."

'Senior management wanted me to raise morale so I made Lionel from accounts 'office jester'!'

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

"Morning, all!"

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

The best financial decision I ever made.

'It's a lateral move, you'll now be getting all of Kramer's work too.'

The Dubloon Stops Here

"We have an acronym!"

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'