Dark Comedian Gifts

'That's stiff competition'

101 uses of a dead cat: toast rack

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

'... And this is my cellar.'

'Alright, which one of you wise guys pulled the fire alarm?'

Dead Funny

Another day at work would be one too many...

'Now they're just taking the piss.'

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

Out To Lurch

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Needs to get a life"

"I can never remember - do these go in garbage or compost?"

"Where is everyone?" "You had 'everyone' killed." "Stalin family reunion"

"Housekeeping?!"

Murder in Apartment 6-K

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"O.K., time's up. Pencils down."

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"The Eggsorcist"

Who gets the anti-corona vaccine?

The practical psychopath

You're dead to me, Marsha. And that's just the way I like it."

End the Winter Blues