Dark Ages Dilettante Pillows

Life in the Dark Ages...

'Whe they said 'God is my Judge', I didn't realize He was a real attorney.'

Garlic Free Zone.

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

'We're not at home, Stu. You can't just order 'I don't care'.'

'House wine?'

Mayhem, Inc. Part 2

"I asked a designer to come in and give the office a needed pick-me-up...probably should have been a little more specific."

Mrs. H.G.Wells.

Turn around at the next junction, turn around now! Turn around immediately - you've forgotten your handbags!

'Erm...I ordered the omlette!'

"Would you prefer sparkling water, filtered water, tap water or water?"

"Past performance is no guarantee of future results."

'Okay, okay. On second thought, maybe going on a diet isn't necessary.'

"My husband is ambidextrous....completely useless with either hand!"

"'Scuse me, Officer, but where do the elite meet to eat around here?"

The singles bar...

'Excuse me - Which way is Southwestern North Carolina?'

"I don't care what his name was. When I said I needed a Philips head, I meant a screwdriver you idiot!"

'Ambiance or non-ambiance?'

"You are headed south. Your destination is straight ahead."

"Did I just butt-dial my booty call?"

Time Out Room

'I sure hope this 'timeout' thing is just a phase with Mom.'

"This next one goes to a special someone who stole my soul... literally!"

'Dressage? But Son, what about something more virile like Rodeo or Polo?'

'If you're ready, who wants to go first?'

Novice plumbers replacing a washer in a leaky faucet.

'Lucifer casts out into Hell'

IRS. Pay Taxes Here. It's the amount owe

'I don't need a GPS. I'm guided by greed.'

Man paints himself into corner.

'The only problem being a Beefeater is that I'm a vegetarian.'

'I asked them to behave like adults, and they ranted, they raved, and they cussed a blue streak!'

Nope, that's not what you have either! Man, you stink at 20 questions!