Daily Humor Gifts

"There it goes again. That dang phone's here someplace..."

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

'I can validate both your feelings and your parking.'

You realize, Harris, if you LIVED here, you'd be home by now.

"Damn! Just as my inertia was starting to build up momentum."

"Yes, I know that chocolate comes from the cocoa Bean...but that does NOT count as a vegetable!"

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

'I hear we're beginning to cut back to half weeks.'

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

"Lemonade App: $1"

"Brad, if you can't say 'I love you' without using finger quotes, I'm outta here."

'This pacifier looks like a cell phone to make the inevitable transition that much easier.'

Could I trade in this greyhound for a dachshund? My doctor says I have to slow up.

'What I wouldn't give for some good eczema medication!'

'I'm bored.'

Typical Monday

"Pie and coffee for me. And a pair of underpants for Mr. Right here."

'Was the interview too early for you?'

Jesus turns water into Vitamin Water.

"The fax machine ate my homework."

"Now where did I park my car?"

'Every time I step on the scale Alexa uses my weight for the joke of the day.'

Life bingo

"I got a bad papercut from my health magazine!"

"Going to the vet for worming tablets is so embarrassing: I order mine online now..."

"I uploaded my empathy to the cloud."

"I get it- the old caffeinated-cop, decaffeinated-cop routine."

"How about a quick espresso before school, Toby?"