Daily Humor Mugs

"There it goes again. That dang phone's here someplace..."

Wifi in Hell

How Rings In Nature Indicate Aging.

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

Zoo. It's wednesday again --- time to wash the camels. I hate "hump" day. (Published originally on July 20, 2005).

'I can validate both your feelings and your parking.'

You realize, Harris, if you LIVED here, you'd be home by now.

"Damn! Just as my inertia was starting to build up momentum."

"Yes, I know that chocolate comes from the cocoa Bean...but that does NOT count as a vegetable!"

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

'I hear we're beginning to cut back to half weeks.'

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

I rest my case, your honor, in celebration of "Casual Defense Friday." ! !

"Brad, if you can't say 'I love you' without using finger quotes, I'm outta here."

"Lemonade App: $1"

'Hey Dave, check out the kinky underwear this chick is taking on her trip!'

'This pacifier looks like a cell phone to make the inevitable transition that much easier.'

Could I trade in this greyhound for a dachshund? My doctor says I have to slow up.

'What I wouldn't give for some good eczema medication!'

'I'm bored.'

'Every time I step on the scale Alexa uses my weight for the joke of the day.'

'Was the interview too early for you?'

Meat. No, I have no idea what the heck you just shoved in your mouth, I'm giving away toothpicks. Free samples.

Jesus turns water into Vitamin Water.

"Pie and coffee for me. And a pair of underpants for Mr. Right here."

Typical Monday

"Now where did I park my car?"

"The fax machine ate my homework."

'I'm probably not gonna get a 'Like' on my facebook account after this.'

Life bingo

"I got a bad papercut from my health magazine!"

"Going to the vet for worming tablets is so embarrassing: I order mine online now..."

Royal Gym. Heavy is the head that wears the crown. And the body isn't in great shape either.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! If I may have just a moment of your time. My name is edward, and I'll be sitting here reading the paper with my mouth shut. Thank you for your time, have a good evening, and God bless!"