Cynical Comic Fan Gifts

Overkill

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

'In the computer simulation he said he admired my candor and gave me a raise.'

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"Call me selfish if you want, but I have no issue with spoiling the farmer's Christmas lunch: I'm out of here..."

Supermarket Warehouse. At night, with just security here, the products sing classic karaoke. The orange juice is belting Elvis'"All Shook Up." Peanut butter and jelly performed a duet of "Love Will Keep Us Together." children's breakfast cereal sang "Sugar, Sugar." And sriracha sauce did a rendition of "Great Balls of Fire"! What song will the ground beef choose? Jimmy Buffett's "Cheeseburger in Paradise," of course!

"Is this your bright idea, Janet?"

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

The finer points of marriage.

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

'It's not the same. I was caught stealing office supplies. You, on the other hand, got caught stealing ideas.'

Focus Group Failures

"No offence Jon, but..."

"Hmm...any dietary restrictions?"

"I like what you have here but the title seems a little pushy."

'I'm not saying I'm honest -- I'm saying that I'm afraid of getting caught!'

'Margaret our phone's been tapped!'

"Ouch!... That hand sanitiser is a bit feisty..."

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

'You're so sophisticated and witty...and muscular...do you work out? Why, yes, I'd love to come back to your place.'

"You don’t seem happy here."

'I finally understood 'negative numbers' when the teacher said they're just like the US budget deficit.'

'You don't sniff my butt anymore.'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

'I've never read such stupid twaddle in all my life, I like it'

'Always remember, son...there's an unsuspecting public out there.'

Cricket widow's revenge

"Well, I have bad news for you, too."

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

Sign reads: 'Greed Management.'

'I know they're just kids...but seriously, do I to go and get need my anti-stab vest?'

"Thanks for auditioning, you're too dark for the part but we were really impressed at how well you conveyed 'frustration' "