Cynical Comic Fan Gifts

Overkill

'In the computer simulation he said he admired my candor and gave me a raise.'

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Call me selfish if you want, but I have no issue with spoiling the farmer's Christmas lunch: I'm out of here..."

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

The finer points of marriage.

"Is this your bright idea, Janet?"

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

'It's not the same. I was caught stealing office supplies. You, on the other hand, got caught stealing ideas.'

Focus Group Failures

"No offence Jon, but..."

"Hmm...any dietary restrictions?"

'Margaret our phone's been tapped!'

'I'm not saying I'm honest -- I'm saying that I'm afraid of getting caught!'

"I like what you have here but the title seems a little pushy."

"Ouch!... That hand sanitiser is a bit feisty..."

"You don’t seem happy here."

'You don't sniff my butt anymore.'

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

'You're so sophisticated and witty...and muscular...do you work out? Why, yes, I'd love to come back to your place.'

'I finally understood 'negative numbers' when the teacher said they're just like the US budget deficit.'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

'I've never read such stupid twaddle in all my life, I like it'

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

I'm absolutely worn out. I've been unloading pig-iron all day.

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

General Manager/Specifics Manager

'Always remember, son...there's an unsuspecting public out there.'

"Well, I have bad news for you, too."

Cricket widow's revenge

"Thanks for auditioning, you're too dark for the part but we were really impressed at how well you conveyed 'frustration' "