Cynical Comics Lovers Gifts

'No hard feelings, Rusty, but I've always told you it was a dog-eat-dog world.'

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

65 Million Years Ago

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

The finer points of marriage.

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

'I'm not saying I'm honest -- I'm saying that I'm afraid of getting caught!'

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'I've never read such stupid twaddle in all my life, I like it'

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

"I have nothing to hide."

'Always remember, son...there's an unsuspecting public out there.'

"Everything has been done to death."

A vending machine is dispensing free lunches for $10

"It's not your heart, JD-you don't have one."

"Bob's more realistic."

'Scaling back public healthcare would be fine, but they'd better not mess with our congressional perks...'

Finally, A Real Honest Politician: '...And I think you should elect me because I'm nothing but a big, fat liar!'

Man sees vending machine, 'Liberty and Justice For All ... 50 cents.'

Welcome to Stupidity Night, Pay Full Price and Get In Free.

"It's been announced that there will be an inquiry into the Chilcot Inquiry..."

'The spirit of bipartisan cooperation is back - if you vote against my bill, I'll vote against your bill.'