Cynical Comics Lovers Gifts

'No hard feelings, Rusty, but I've always told you it was a dog-eat-dog world.'

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

65 Million Years Ago

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

The Family Joules: Part 6

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

The finer points of marriage.

Boss encouraging employees to invest as company goes down hill

"So, with internet shopping and guaranteed next-day delivery, I figured now was as good a time as any to hang my sack up and retire."

'I'm not saying I'm honest -- I'm saying that I'm afraid of getting caught!'

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

iDeasy

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

'I've never read such stupid twaddle in all my life, I like it'

"Everything has been done to death."

"I have nothing to hide."

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

'There's always a catch'

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: Never trust someone who tries to sell you nine life insurance policies.

'Always remember, son...there's an unsuspecting public out there.'

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

A vending machine is dispensing free lunches for $10

'The spirit of bipartisan cooperation is back - if you vote against my bill, I'll vote against your bill.'

Welcome to Stupidity Night, Pay Full Price and Get In Free.

'Scaling back public healthcare would be fine, but they'd better not mess with our congressional perks...'

"It's not your heart, JD-you don't have one."

"Bob's more realistic."

"It's been announced that there will be an inquiry into the Chilcot Inquiry..."

Finally, A Real Honest Politician: '...And I think you should elect me because I'm nothing but a big, fat liar!'