Cynical Citizen Pillows

"You mean to tell me I can only vote against one Congressman?"

The bipartisan election cycle: 'Every 2 years without fail, I perform my patriotic duty and vote the bums out.'

Election 'Dunvotin'

"Until we eliminate government completely, I promise to keep the government from functioning."

Rich man vomiting euros to a beggar.

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

No Immediate Danger

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"With great power comes great reward."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

Sen. Krupt. Your vote should never be for sale. It's much more efficient to rent it out!

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

Will Self deprecation

"If the press brings up your past just double down on 'The sky is falling!'."

The Government That Cried Wolf

Dirty Tricks Dept.

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

'You've got bad news? Hey, that's good news!'

Suggestions Get Shredded.

A Diverse Cabinet That Looks Like America

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

I don't need to know any math --- I'm going to be a politician.

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!