Cynical Citizen Pillows

"You mean to tell me I can only vote against one Congressman?"

The bipartisan election cycle: 'Every 2 years without fail, I perform my patriotic duty and vote the bums out.'

Election 'Dunvotin'

"Until we eliminate government completely, I promise to keep the government from functioning."

Rich man vomiting euros to a beggar.

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

No Immediate Danger

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

"With great power comes great reward."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

Will Self deprecation

Dirty Tricks Dept.

"If the press brings up your past just double down on 'The sky is falling!'."

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

'You've got bad news? Hey, that's good news!'

Suggestions Get Shredded.

Diogenes and tourists

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

VOTE!, 'If elected, I'll sponsor legislation for a $10 billion study of Government hypocrisy!'

"He's been up all night and fell asleep at the wheel."

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."