Cycle Sarcasticist Pillows

"I considered riding my bike to work until I realized it involved pedaling and sweat."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Let's consider an early dive."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

Czarcasm

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

The Snarky District

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"Yes, we voted remain - how did you guess?"

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

The transparent safe box of Panama

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

"Really? That's the only game in this house?"

'You're good with people. Just tell him to go fuck himself.'

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"The news is so fake, the ads are beginning to look honest."

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

"Larry, what's the weather forecast?" "Let me ask you something. Did you make waffles this morning? Because someone had maple syrup on their hands, and I seem to recall a hand moving me... a pretty, pretty, pretty sticky hand..."

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

'This program is geared towards the youth market. You give it up to five commands and it closes down in a huff!'

Redhead

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"Sigh...Another sherry Harold...Go team ect."