Customer Service Commentator Gifts

'Your visit is extremely important to us. Please wait here for the next available receptionist.'

Grim Reaper rowing a boat full of dead souls to the afterlife; a tip jar sits on the side of the boat.

"And the winner is… Dan the Man by a nose!"

'The recession is over, again.'

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

'Cartoonist thinking'

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

Sports Radio in Crisis

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

Carl Shurz's attacks on President Grant are 'Played Out'

'Your call may be monitored to give us a few good laughs.'

"Lord, save my ass from this Russia debacle, please!"

Tree of Public Opinion.

"I like Casual Dining, but this is too casual. I ordered spaghetti!"

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

"I'm afraid that due to a recent reorientation of forward facing customer resource functionality you're going to have to make the complaint to yourself... in triplicate."

"Not more sleeve alterations?!"

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?" "Sure." "Can you warm this one up? Maybe sprinkle some cinnamon and sugar on it, and maybe make it three biscuits?" "You sure this is for your dog?" "Can you also sprinkle a little turkey on it?"

"Take this mission statement and rewrite it so that it sounds like we care about our customers."

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

"Don't make me send over the bad waitress."

"I suppose that's what happens when 'putting customers first' comes second!"

And now, for a rebuttal.

'Oh man, he just nailed that triple entendre... that all but guarantees him a medal.'

"If PBS announcers did football games." "Let's listen carefully to the quarterback as he scans his options. It appears that the defense seems to want to deter his team from moving the ball forward..." "The fans are making so much noise. I wonder if they know how hard that makes it for the players to concentrate?"

"This is gonna be great!"

'Remember Jones, the customer is always right, no matter how stupid and ignorant he may be.'

"As you can see here - slow the tape, guys - these sparks are coming awfully close to the truck's gas tank, an explosive situation indeed..." Every high speed chase needs a color man.

The United States of Amazement

"Actually, we will replace you."