Custody Strategist Pillows

"Cassandra and I are splitting up, Ted, and we'd like you and Amy to have the kids."

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"Will you be putting her in day care or bringing her up artisanally?"

"Not guilty but prepared to settle out of court, your honour."

Prosecution bears the burden of proof. Defense bears the burden of twisting and distorting said proof.

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

"The time has come to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of double-entry bookkeeping, too."

"Excellent! It's the disclosure documents for your hearing on Monday."

"You got custody of us, mommy, because you're the very best attorney picker."

"When can I redeploy?"

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

Beware of teething baby.

"Forget George, he scarfs down everything in sight. Aunt Rose and Grandma are good for slipping us a slice. Most important, the kids are sloppy. We're bound to find some juicy scraps under their chairs. Stay alert!"

"It's your job to work hard and get good grades, David. It's my job to make your mother laugh."

Barrister pointing out dozing judge to the jury

Law school: 'Repeat after me, class 'sue 'em first, or be sued!'

'I do set limits. For example, he wasn't allowed to use the tablet computer until after he downloaded a potty training app.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"Remember - kindergarten is an excellent opportunity to make connections for first grade."

Sports Lawyers

"Never lie to your attorney, Brad. If any lies need to be told I'll tell them."

'I'm feeling a little remiss about missing both free throws.'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"My dad put in a new security system."

'When mom went to work for us, did you ask for references?'

'Not to worry, I've handled hundreds of cases like this and the way I see it, I'm bound to win one sooner or later.'

"I've got him on vibrate."

'I think our filing system is a little too obvious.'

''Honor thy father and thy mother'? -- What about custody disputes?'

Birthdays were always better at Mom's.

'My client will give up the castle, as long as it is not an admission of defeat.'

"One moment, sweetie, I'm just asking Google how I should react."

"Baldo! Pick him up!"

"The custody battle could go on for months, and cost you a small fortune. Why don't you just buy yourself ANOTHER dog?"