Custody Strategist Pillows

"Cassandra and I are splitting up, Ted, and we'd like you and Amy to have the kids."

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"Will you be putting her in day care or bringing her up artisanally?"

"Not guilty but prepared to settle out of court, your honour."

Prosecution bears the burden of proof. Defense bears the burden of twisting and distorting said proof.

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

"The time has come to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of double-entry bookkeeping, too."

Sure, I'll sit, but I want half the treat upfront.

"Excellent! It's the disclosure documents for your hearing on Monday."

"When can I redeploy?"

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

Beware of teething baby.

"Forget George, he scarfs down everything in sight. Aunt Rose and Grandma are good for slipping us a slice. Most important, the kids are sloppy. We're bound to find some juicy scraps under their chairs. Stay alert!"

"You got custody of us, mommy, because you're the very best attorney picker."

"It's your job to work hard and get good grades, David. It's my job to make your mother laugh."

Barrister pointing out dozing judge to the jury

'I do set limits. For example, he wasn't allowed to use the tablet computer until after he downloaded a potty training app.'

Law school: 'Repeat after me, class 'sue 'em first, or be sued!'

"Remember - kindergarten is an excellent opportunity to make connections for first grade."

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'When mom went to work for us, did you ask for references?'

"Never lie to your attorney, Brad. If any lies need to be told I'll tell them."

Sports Lawyers

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"My dad put in a new security system."

'I'm feeling a little remiss about missing both free throws.'

'Not to worry, I've handled hundreds of cases like this and the way I see it, I'm bound to win one sooner or later.'

"I've got him on vibrate."

'I think our filing system is a little too obvious.'

'My client will give up the castle, as long as it is not an admission of defeat.'

Birthdays were always better at Mom's.

''Honor thy father and thy mother'? -- What about custody disputes?'

"But I am an engaged parent. Just the other day, I helped one of the kids with his or her homework."

"Baldo! Pick him up!"