Custody Case Connoisseur T-Shirts

'Guess what? The judge awarded ME custody in today's two child custody cases!'

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

"OK, last time: Cado teak lounge chair from Denmark – me. Doggy bed – you."

"Well, it's disappointing: Young Master seems to use the term 'best friend' for anybody who pays him the slightest attention..."

'Would you care to see our wine list, water list, soda list, tea list, coffee list, single malt scotch list, or beer list?'

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

"I'm afraid the price would make him toss and turn all night for months!"

'Billy! Set your homework aside and get down here. There's another basketball recruiter here to see you.'

"That will be the gold standard by which all other naps are judged."

Pre-Winter Ennui-'Hon, did you have the furnace checked?'

Bats with blankets.

"Just think how much we could save if we switched the heating off altogether."

A stripe of stockbrokers

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

J W D Butterworth chief accountant - Pin-stripes made of numbers

"You got custody of us, mommy, because you're the very best attorney picker."

"My kitchen is very small. Do you have any with doors that swing in?"

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

'It has a zip-out lining in case of a mild winter.'

'I know, I left the electric blanket on too long.'

"I see you're really adapting to the corporate jungle."

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

All set for the big sleep, Frank? I'm getting there. I've been storing up fat for the winter. And how about Ernie? He's trying something different this year. He's got wi-fi, a game console and virtual reality googles. He's going to cybernate.

'This closet needs digitized.'

'And this is the walk-in clos..' - 'We'll take it!!'

"Psst. . . fancy shoe sales are down. Can you make Crocs instead?"

NBA on strike.

'Your baseball card has more value than you do.'

"There's nothing like dog-walking for making new friends...."

"I've always been a gnome body."

"Remember when all we had was lots of little pillows?"

'I like your style. I think we can do business together.'

'I guess you'd call it a queer request. He wants his ashes put in a fruit jar and hidden in the closet.'

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

"What kind of moviemaking do we want to reinforce?"