Curious Congregant Gifts

"OK, so you've told us what God thinks... but now I'd like to know what YOU think!"

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

United Church of OMG

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

'God sees everything? You mean He channel surfs?'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

The 1st annual pet baptism was also the last

Speaking words of wisdom, letter B

Two men in T-shirts, one shirt says Jesus loves me, the other Jesus loves me more.

Out for lunch... GOD

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

'I understand the new usher is in the restaurant business.'

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"