Culinary Snark Gifts

"I think I'll just leave a hate tip."

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'The Burrito King.'

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

I don't know what happened to the poor guy, but he's visibly shaken.

'My brother's a proper cook - he's come as a witness'

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

Where Deviled Eggs come from

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

"The chef ran out of the shiitake-infused sweet potato au gratin, so he substituted hash browns."

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

A Pirate Egg Prisoner about to Walk the Plank into a boiling pot of water

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

"The Knuckle Sandwich is good."

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'The customer is always right...'

'Do you want toast with that?'