Culinary Etiquette Gifts

"Remember, it's a buffet, not a feeding frenzy."

"Bob, no! You don't drown in white wine with steak!"

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Great coffee, Carole."

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

'While you're doing his brain surgery, can you tweak things a bit so he'll stop picking his nose at the dinner table?'

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

I always forget - is it white with dry food and red with wet food, or the other way around?

"I hope he's wearing pants."

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"The last doggy bag."

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

"Wait. Let it breathe."

"They don't allow cell phones."

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"Are you gentlemen ready to eat or would you like to bat your food around awhile?"

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"Guys, remember, no feeding frenzy: Leave some for Grandpa to chew on..."

"Would you like free or expensive water?"

"What a slobster."

"Don't yell in the restaurant. Use your texting voice."

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

The Last Dinner

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

"You're an herivore, Bob. An herbivore...And start chewing your food."