Culinary Etiquette Pillows

"Remember, it's a buffet, not a feeding frenzy."

"Bob, no! You don't drown in white wine with steak!"

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Great coffee, Carole."

'That's the corkage fee you wanted to ask about, Jack, not the cleavage fee!'

"Here's something extra to cover his lousy tip. Blame his fifth grade math teacher."

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

"How many times have I told you? No trading Asian market at the dinner table."

"I hope he's wearing pants."

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"The last doggy bag."

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

"Must we discuss your worming right before dinner?"

Screen Time at the Dining Table

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

"They don't allow cell phones."

'Well, at least he doesn't beg at the table.'

"Would you like free or expensive water?"

"Guys, remember, no feeding frenzy: Leave some for Grandpa to chew on..."

"You've got a tiny piece of ginger in your mustache."

"What a slobster."

"Don't yell in the restaurant. Use your texting voice."

"A table for two? Would you like chairs with that, madam?"

I'll have a hamburger.

"That nasty man won't pass me the salt!"

"You're an herivore, Bob. An herbivore...And start chewing your food."

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"How do you tell the Son of God He's got spinach in his teeth?"

"So you mean to tell me that this business dinner actually involves business?"

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."