Culinary Artist For Canines Pillows

"Your 'presentation' could use some work."

Raw food, after you leave for work.

"Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell Thursday's gluten-free lasagna!"

"Is that all they taught him at obedience school? How to use a can opener?"

'I'll have toast and he'll have a complete dog's breakfast.'

"If man is my best friend, why is he giving me this crap to eat?"

'I had no idea there were so many types of dog treats.'

"We need to put in more bones."

Homemade dog biscuits.

"For what he is about to receive may the dog be truly thankful."

Dog Chow Mein

"You're spoiling that dog again!"

Recipes.

"So, what's it to be, chicken unfit for human consumption, or beef unfit for human consumption?"

'May I have two containers - fish for my cat, meat for the dog...vegetables divided as follows, one-fourth for the cat, three-fourths for the dog, but no carrots for the cat - kitty doesn't like carrots...'

"Kibbled, canned and frozen were non-starters. But he'll often accept a ice ribeye as long as it's been properly dry aged."

"Let's see . . . I detect beef . . . peas . . . and a subtle hint of sweet potato!"

'Sure, it's a nice buffet, but I can't help thinking it's a bit morbid...'

Posh dog views expensive food and wine.

'I'm taking the leftovers home, so suggest something my dog will enjoy.'

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?"

Dog Food: Lick & Collect

'Of course you have a choice. You can have it in your bowl...or on the floor...what's it to be, Mister Choosey?'

"I need some assistance here."

'Rubber pork chops. Excellent choice, Sir. With or without squeakers?'

"I think I'll go for the Barf Bits du Jour."

'It's the Animal Welfare people about you feeding leftovers to the dog!'

'See what happens when you let him cook.'

"I've got a complaint about the table scraps you are feeding me...cut down on the fatty tissues...I'm gaining weight!"

'Feeding dog food to dogs is NOT ethnic stereotyping!'

Cooking shows for dogs

"Oh, come on, Honey, he's a dog...he's not gonna notice that we gave him cheaper dog food!"

'Patience. Gentle mixing awakens the delicate flavors and presents far more agreeably than straight-out-of-the-can.'