Culinary Amateur Gifts

...If sauce has not begun to thicken after 10 minutes, pour contents back into can and wait for your wife to get home.

'It was embarrassing. I always swore I'd die of her cooking.'

'He says he's training to be a world champion weightlifter - With a knife and fork.'

Karate Expert Chopping Bread.

"Hello..? is that the 'burnt soup hotline..?'"

Tartine

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Counting ribs

A woman standing beside a stove full of steaming pots and pans.

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

Every barbecue has its winners and losers.

'Progress of a bookshelf'

Ice Cream Surgeon

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

The wonderful world of cheese.

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

"Christmas drinks 'n' nibbles system"

'My diet's good...I'm two weeks ahead of schedule.'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

Pi Ala Mode.

Children's Feast.

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'He made an excellent jelly.'

"First cook the cake, then apply icing sugar and candles..."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'm going to make a batch of my ginger biscuits.'

"I'm afraid the challah got a little burnt this week."

Wok. Don't Wok.

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

"Compliments to the chef! Pass it on."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.