Cryptic Wits Pillows

Football anagrams: A jerk named Pip (Answer: Jamie Redknapp.)

Miss America IQ Pageant

Misunderstood artist

"Don't you just hate restaurants that make you feel rushed?"

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

'Your honor, if I may digress for a moment, who does your hair?'

Never write a sonnet on an empty stomach

"Since my divorce I thought I'd never laugh again. Then I noticed your toupee."

Bill Johnson 1914-2000: Server Timed Out.

"If you could have a dinner conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

'Always the wise guy.'

Celebrity anagrams: Is a salt water rat (Answer: Alastair Stewart)

Conference Room. I don't have the heart to tell him it wasn't a compliment when the boss said "in every brainstorming session Ernie is a ray of sunshine."

"Where do you get your inspiration?"

"What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing."

"She can be outspoken."

Edwina momentarily considered sarcasm. . .

Flat Foot

'Are you the one they call 'the silencer'?' 'Say no more.'

NSA Now Hiring: "Must be a good listener."

'You talk in riddles!' 'I'M A POET!

'I'm just going online...'

"Of course - I believe in the Great Spin Doctor in the sky!"

The Sphinx Speaks

"They call the dollar stable and you know what's in the stable."

'Do Not Feed The Bares'

"Philip Larkin wouldn't like you, either."

Supernan.

"...Yes, I do. But, I also believe in hate at first sight."

'What children live in the sea?'

'It's hard to believe that they started out with just SEVEN deadly sins.'

'If you bankers can count, how come you have six windows and only two tellers?'

That remark cuts me deeply, Gloria. If I may paraphrase Shakespeare, "If you cut me, do I not bleed?" If I my paraphrase Jack the Ripper …

'I don't like this predictive text.'