Fiery Wits Pillows

"I hope your heating bill is deductable!"

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

"Don't you just hate restaurants that make you feel rushed?"

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

'I just evolved the opposable thumb, and I've already got carpal-tunnel syndrome!'

"Where do you get your inspiration?"

"May I see some ID, Madame? Haha, just kidding!"

Greece Idyll

"Are you sure this is in your job description?"

'We're not paprazzi. We're your parents.'

'I've been married to your sister for 9 years, so why should I be scared of you?'

'Why do they have to be ivory knitting needles?'

'We've got a problem - They're starting to enjoy it.'

"Philip Larkin wouldn't like you, either."

"The world needs revolutionaries...people who challenge the system, who question authority, who aren't afraid to say, 'I won't take anymore!'"

"They call the dollar stable and you know what's in the stable."

Recycled humor.

Will hell freeze over?

"Far out, they're literally playing with fire! No way they can survive as a species if they're so risk prone!"

"...Yes, I do. But, I also believe in hate at first sight."

The Hellish Sermon

'Hey! He's wearing shoes!!'

Universal's Sudoku.

'Still no boyfriend, Enda couldn't shake off her man eating image'

A Cartoonist's Pen

Football anagrams: A jerk named Pip (Answer: Jamie Redknapp.)

'Wait 'til the last minute and jump to one side!'

'Relax. They hired me for my people skills.'

I gain weight every fall and then lose it in the spring. I have a seasonally adjusted figure.

"Is this seat a disputed area?"

'What's he like in person? Actually, he's just like a lot of the other people I've met in this industry.'

"I think I just felt the first snowflake of winter."

'You are here. What does that tell you?'