Cryptic Conversationalist Pillows

'You talk in riddles!' 'I'M A POET!

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

Pet Shop - Parrot labeled as 'Good Listener'

"Do you think the birds like me?"

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"Is it just me, right, is it just me ...?"

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious day when you're ripe and not yet mealy?"

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

Celebrity anagrams: Is a salt water rat (Answer: Alastair Stewart)

"I'm suffering the unbearable loneliness of being right on the internet."

'This month I'll be cooked & my bones ripped apart in a wishing contest.'

"Sofia, right? You hung out in the back of Professor Dillof’s anatomy lectures."

"Hey, do you want to be in my bubble?"

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

"Don't worry, I'm a doctor."

"Develop your social skills. Share information about yourself so people will want to talk to you." "I like to dissect animals."

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."