Cruise Avoider Gifts

Cruise Ship Infections.

'Hold on, I'll get the camera.'

A tube of toothpaste doesn't reach its full potential until in the hands of a baby.

'You forgot to pay the gravity bill, didn't you?'

No need to be concerned, madam! I'm wrapped in cotton wool!

'I beat the 5 o'clock rush... I leave work at noon!'

"You couldn't just stop and ask directions, could you?"

'Here are the safety manuals you wanted'

Pets are not only good companions, they're good excuses.

"I prefer the mountains to the beach. I feel like less of a cow.''

'It's not flying I'm afraid of -- it's driving to the airport!'

Wow, look what you've stepped in: Boy I'm glad I'm not the one having to lick it off...

'As a bachelor I have to wash my own clothes, clean my own room. The do it all again three months later.'

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

Big bumpers.

L.A.: Still No Pro Football

D.I.Y ladder

"They hired a cat to distract them from thoughts of change."

Is there any history of not paying medical bills in your family? M.D.

"Wow. That guy on psychic chat line is really good. He told me our next phone bill would be bigger than usual!"

"Don't tell the boss, but I'm leaving early to beat the traffic."

There's leftover apple crisp! Whoever finishes it up, please clean the baking dish. Hey! It's not finished!!

Danger Signs.

'Open wide.' 'Your wallet.'

"It's a great invention, but what if it leads to UTILITY BILLS?"

"My doctor told me to avoid any unecessary stress, so I didn't open his bill."

Lawyers don't go to the beach, because cats try to bury them.

'Been coming here for years and never bumped into anyone who knows me . . . weird!'

"But this is the way we've always done it."

How to Tell when You're Asking for Directions from a NASCAR Fan: 'Make a left, then hang a left, take another left followed by a left...'

'Joe doesn't like the sun... he prefers the shade!'

"This? Oh it's to catch cyclists who ride on the pavement."

We'd like a very public table where she won't break up with me because she's afraid I'll make a scene. Menu. ? ?

"I told you not to order the eggs sunny side up!"

"I've been down here 50 years, but you'd never know it. Staying out of the sun has kept my skin fresh, firm and wrinkle-free."