Crispy Connoisseur T-Shirts

"It's adjusted for inflation. A dollar a chip."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

Counting ribs

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

The wonderful world of cheese.

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

One Man's Meat is Another Man's Poetry

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"Vindaloo hot enough?"

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

Omar Khayyam Meets Trader Joe

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"Trail mix?"

"Everything taste so divinely artisanal."

"I come here for the pepper."

"Yes, we have blue cheese. Do you want it in electric, sky or navy blue?"

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Joel! Killer crust!"

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

Full English Breakfast.

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

A burgandy from when the dow hit a record high.

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

Enjoying a picnic at the rugby ground

"Your mother texted us that you're not getting enough to eat, so I brought you twice what you ordered."

this bordeaux speaks for itself

'Do I really have to remind you again about which one of us earns the truffles, Jean-Claude?'

Somewhere in France

Steam from dinner in restaurant forms dollar sign

Sister to brother: 'It's kind of like alphabet soup, only for numbers crunchers.'

"Joe's cereal. NPR co-approved."

Cereal Tasting.